Called by name

Two of the most important people in our deaconate formation process in the Diocese of Knoxville (and I would imagine in any diocese) other than our wives and the Director of Deacons are our deacon mentor and our spiritual director. We had some say in who our spiritual director would be (mine is Deacon Patrick Murphy-Racey, who I hope and pray to meet with as soon as he is able. His blog is one of those listed on this site), but our mentors were chosen for us. This past Sunday, I met with my mentor, Deacon Jim Prosak of Holy Trinity Parish in Jefferson City, for the first time.

I know you'll understand that it is in the best interest of myself (and most probably in the interest both of Deacon Jim and the formation process itself) that I keep the lion's share of what Deacon Jim and I discuss between the two of us. However, I'd be remiss if I didn't share the one thing that Deacon Prosak told me that stuck with me, and which I have thought on rather extensively since Sunday.

We talked extensively about the formation process, and some of the intricacies involved, from the academics to the general differences between his formation process-he was in the previous class-and the current one. The idea that this call to the service of the Church which I and the other men in formation are experiencing is a matter of discernment is something that we discussed at length. Deacon Jim said that he was not absolutely sure and certain that the Lord was calling him to the deaconate until he was on the required 5-day canonical retreat that we all must take shortly before we are ordained. "I was fully prepared to come back from that retreat and not be ordained," he told me. He said he wasn't sure at that point whether what he was experiencing was the call of the Holy Spirit or whether it was "what Jim wanted to do."

Deacon Jim shared that it was while on retreat during a time of private prayer and meditation on the scriptures that the Holy Spirit made it very clear that he had been "called by name" to the deaconate and the Sacrament of Holy Orders, and that he had come that far because it was truly God's will for his life. Deacon Prosak returned from the retreat as a man who was ready to assume both the blessings and the burdens of a deeper ministry in the Church.

As I shared with Deacon Jim, I have already had plenty of experience as part of this discernment process wrestling with the question of whether this is a matter of the Holy Spirit moving me toward ministry or whether it is just me tooting my own horn. I've certainly had plenty of times where I have thought "these other guys are much holier than me-surely I don't belong here with them." I've even had what I consider to be attacks of Satan, who has spun his wicked powers of persuasion a time or two in an attempt to try and convince me that I am too crippled and weak to perform the tasks which will be required of me should I be ordained. However, every time I get discouraged, I also get an immediate nudge from the Holy Spirit telling me "I have put you here for a reason, and you need to quit worrying about your limitations or about your worthiness and start worrying about what I am asking you to do." These interventions of the Holy Spirit very often come in the form of a single question: "Have I failed you yet?" He never has before, and I doubt He is going to start now.

Even now, not knowing what lies at the end of this road, I feel that the Lord is calling me out by name. My prayer is that I continue throughout the formation process to follow His voice, and lean not on my own understanding.